Small things keep relationships interesting.

Greeting Penguin Lovers!

Richard here this time to impart on you some quite intimate details to you that very well may fall under the “Slightly too much information” category. So to just rip the band-aid off of it I’m just going to come out and say it, but let’s all try to put on our big boy and girl pants and not giggle at the following…

Kristen doesn’t poop. Or rather I have never been positive that she has gone #2 the entire time I have known her. Think about that for a moment… I have known my lovely fiance for about three and a half years. A little over two of which we have been dating and have spent exponentially more and more time together to where now we live in a 220sqft studio apartment almost stacked up top of one another. Yet she HAS NOT POOPED! EVER!! Now on my part it is quite obvious when I expel that kind of waste from my body, just ask Kristen. I spend quite a bit of time on the throne, playing with my phone, reading, etc… So much so sometimes that she is concerned I have fallen in. The exact opposite is true of her; the time spent in the bathroom is relatively short and almost never fluctuates from one trip to the other making it impossible to discern when the tasks inside vary. Other things you might expect to be associated with that duty (rimshot) are simply non existent. No noxious odors, thundering sounds, or small animals whimpering as they run away. Maybe that last one is just me though.

It was some time before I actually noticed this trend and have since become somewhat infatuated with catching her in the act. She has likewise taken much joy in taunting me with the fact that she simply doesn’t do that and laughs at my attempts to unravel the mystery. I have gone so far as to randomly burst into the bathroom if I suspect anything, only to be greeted with a smile and a “nope!” (We did say at the start of all this that we would be completely honest with yall. Welcome to the absolute randomness that is us!) I have even gone so far as to seriously consider spiking her food with a large amount of laxative a la Dumb and Dumber but feel as though that is cheating somewhat.

Given all this time together I have come up with these alternate theories for how she deals with her waste…
1. Like many current theories regarding women and flatulents, Kristen converts all fecal mater into rainbows and butterflys.
2. She doesn’t actually eat, but secretly hides all food in a pouch in her cheek, like a hamster. Where she later throws it into the trash when I’m not looking.
3. Kristen represents a new stage in human evolution and is 100% efficient with the matter she takes in leaving no need for expelling the non existent waste.
4 (and my favorite). Her stomach is actually a micro portal to another dimension where all her food eaten is transported to. This also helps to explain how she stays so tiny despite her intake of chips and ice cream all the time.

Thinking about it however reminds me that it is every facet of a relationship that makes it interesting, and often times is the small things that I find so satisfying about sharing with her. Not the poop thing, but the small ways we communicate, the way we have silly names for things in our lives, or words that have a completely different meaning to us for whatever reason. These are aspects of a relationship that are built over time, that evolve through shared experiences with one another that you simply cannot replace. Because let’s be honest, relationships are weird. Yet I find more and more that it is this weirdness that makes me fall more and more in love with her.

Best wishes Penguin Lovers! Stay cool!! Because penguins primarily live in the southern reaches of the wor…. Ya know, never mind, you get it…

Richard F.


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